Ciao Bella! The Italian Blog

I suppose like any writer, I am constantly composing in my head. I'm writing and rewriting all the time. That's one of the things about writing that will make you crazy. There are so many ways it could go. 

Most of my funny blogs are the result of collaboration, improvisation based on conversations I have with other people. I blatantly steal funny stuff from friends and family. Here's some bits from my Italian friend Julie and the conversations we've had. 

An American Is Anyone Who Is Not Italian

I'm an American and Julie is Italian. Even though she was born here in the US as was I, I'm an American and she's Italian. Even though my ancestors are Europeans like Scots, Germans, Finns, I'm an American to Julie. Or my friend Lucia. If I make lasagna, it's American lasagna. My sauce will always come from a jar and I say ricotta wrong. And prosciutto. I also say that wrong.

The Impreza Italian Package

The Italian package is a new feature that will be added to non-Italian cars with Italian sounding names like the Subaru Impreza. The Italian package allows Italian mothers to make chicken cutlets while driving home from work. The car will be slightly modified to include a hot plate for cooking in the center console. When the kids start calling and asking what's for dinner, this on-the-go Italian mom is already half way there. Maybe in the back, there could be a smoker for curing prosciutto. BTW, when you say it correctly aka like an Italian, prosciutto has no "o" sound at the end. It ends at the t's and sounds a little like a curse word or a violent sneeze.

The Not So Hotline

Julie and I had this long conversation about how we could make extra money. I said, "Jules, you can make extra money if you combine your amazing Italian cooking with your still hot Italian looks." From there we decided Julie could start a video chat line where she cooks Italian sauce and then provocatively talks to the camera about how "hot" it is. She could threaten viewers with wooden spoons if they're bad. Wear skimpy aprons, etc. She could pronounce ricotta correctly and sound kind of dominatrix.

Then she came up with a genius name for this middle-aged, naughty Italian housewife video chat service - the Not So Hotline. 

NB: Coincidence that I'm publishing this on Columbus Day? I think not. Ciao!