Wednesday, November 13, 2013

The Inanity of PR aka I Really Miss Buzzwhack

In a land far away called Raleigh, I used to be a PR person for some pretty big technology companies aka Cisco Systems, IBM, etc. PR is really not for the faint of heart. Sure it sounds glamorous, with all that crisis communications and those paradigm shifts. But you're still pitching and slogging and duking it out with clients or journalists.

The worst of it though, in my opinion, is the language we're required to use to describe something simple. For example, a tech reporter might say, "Oh so it's a new version of their existing software. Why would I care about that?"

And my client would require me to say, "Well it's much more than version 3.2.1 of our current OS. It's a paradigm shift that will create new revenue streams for VARs and VADs alike."

You see my point? Buzzwhack was this great site that tracked and poked fun of all this jargon and PR nonsense. I don't know what happened to Buzzwhack but it appears to be no more. Perhaps gone the way of the other dot coms that faded into the woodwork.

I was talking with a friend on Friday and he had this great idea for a blog. What if I wrote about my personal life using PR speak? So I'm going to give it a whirl.


Risher-Morton Family Debuts Next Gen Meatballs 
A Paradigm-Shifting, Game-Changing Experience for All

In today's tomorrow, I decided to teach my son how to make meatballs. The synergies that exist between the meats in the Stop & Shop meatball mixture, have led to my rapid adoption of a meatball addiction.

It's a truism that there are many brands of spaghetti sauce on the market, but I firmly stick by my favorite, an industry-leading blend of tomato, basil, olive oil and red pepper - Rao's Arrabiata sauce.

Having carefully selected my mission-critical ingredients, I put the next generation of Morton to work mushing meat, bread crumbs and an egg together. To somewhat dilute the total cost of ownership of Rao's tomato sauce, we also blended in a small can of store brand sauce.

With a state-of-the-art spatula, Will blended the cooking meatballs into the tomato sauce. Using superior cooking style, Will was able to tightly integrate the sauce and meatballs into a cohesive, strategic sauce.

"This experience empowers me to redefine the way food consumers manage the design and delivery of meatballs across disparate tomato-y landscapes," said Will Morton, teenager.

Forward-Looking Statements

This release contains forward-looking statements within the meaning of Section 27A of the Securities Act of 1933, as amended, and Section 21E of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, as amended. All forward-looking statements are inherently uncertain as they are based on current expectations and assumptions concerning future events or future performance of the company or in this case family. Readers are cautioned not to place undue reliance on these forward-looking statements, which are only predictions and speak only as of the date hereof because we are too chicken shit to come out with actual predictions that might later become a PR nightmare should they prove to be untrue.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Compression Hose, Chin Hairs, Varicose Veins. Oh My!

Is this an homage to my husband's favorite ad?

No it's not.

Here's what really happened.

I was at my friend's parents' house. We were talking about all kinds of stuff. She's a 48 year-old new mom. I'm a 49 year-old mother of a teenager. Her sister was there, another mom to a teenager. Their older parents were there. My friend's vascular surgeon husband was there. So three middle-aged women, older parents and a doctor - really nothing was sacred in terms of discussion topics.

We were talking about things like facial hair (women's). We were talking about compression hose (had no idea). We were talking about pacifiers. 

That's how it was going. 

I confessed to the group that I had recently discovered a vein on my calf I wanted to have fixed. Hint, hint vascular surgeon. I so thought we could handle this "amongst friends" if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

See what happened the daylight...I saw this vein. 

Okay before that, let me say that I got lucky. My mom has good legs. My grandmas both had good legs. So I got lucky in the leg department. Like this summer I was walking through the mall and this older lady -- I'm going to say 80? -- said out loud to me, "You've got great legs." Of course I was by myself and there were no witnesses, but I swear she said it.

And I said, "Thanks doll!" Cuz that's what old broads call each other. Doll. Sugar. Hon.

But the thing is, I've only seen the front of my legs recently. Then I caught a glimpse of the back of my legs. And without my knowledge or consent, something had happened to one of my good parts. One of the parts I thought was still standing. 

This weird vein that's a dot - like the skin is smooth and then there's a dot of a vein about the size of a small pea - well that just appeared overnight. That's not right. That pea-sized vein dot is not right.

And I thought, "I have a what on my what what?"

What the hell?

Oh the horrors of getting old.