Thursday, August 16, 2012

Eine Kleine Bikini

Before I get too far let me say this, I was right all along. When we left for Miami I brought my little bathing suits because even though I frankly would never be caught dead in a tiny bikini back home, I wear them freely when I travel. I just pretend I'm German. Luckily there are plenty of Germans in Miami as well as some rather hefty Latin Americans.

Everybody is fat now. I think there used to be a time when Americans were the the main fatties in the Universe, plus the Germans and pretty much anyone born in the former USSR. Now we are all fat, which is at once sort of reassuring, yet frightening. Even the gay guys in Miami are fat. I'm sure not all of them are. But the two gay guys I saw running down the beach this morning will never work in drag.

Which brings me back to my point. Before I left for Miami, I was discussing with the girls at work all the thongs I would be seeing. And I explained to them my bathing suit theory - that I'll wear whatever little bathing suit when I travel because I just pretend I'm German. Germans are constantly throwing on tiny bathing suits over their ample bodies and parading themselves around the beach. More often than not, they are also topless and their boobs meld into their stomachs. Their boobs and stomachs are as one.

I just need to remember a few key vocabulary words from 6th grade German class at Huntingdon Elementary School in San Marino, California.

-- Ja, das is wunderbar!
-- Ich heisse Becky.
-- Was machten Sie?

Etcetera, etcetera. Armed with my vocab and my bikini I am free to expose my nether regions to some much needed sun. It's a win for me, perhaps a lose for those around me. I don't know and I don't care.

What I remember when I travel is the person I can be, the person I am deep down inside. The person who thinks, "Hey I don't look too bad in this bikini."

PS I hate to break it to you girls but with a nice tan and a mojito, we all look good in a bikini. Go on, get one and a spray tan. I'll teach you some German.

PSS The secret to staying thin in Europe is smoking. Works well in the short-term but the long-term side effects are a killer.

PPSS I added this picture of the 86 year-old Duchess of Alba for Will the smartass.
This is for all the girls at work. Love beck


  1. Love it! I have had bikini-phobia for the last five years but the reality is as you've so aptly put it. Now, if we could just get some sun today...I will start working on the mojitos. :)