Things I Invent at My Day Job

And by I....I mean we. Things WE invent at our day jobs. Because I work with some pretty creative women. There's Jules, Michelle, Lucia , Megan and Wendy. There was Deb. Technically we still work with Deb only it's in a different capacity. Long story that she should write about, if she hasn't already.

Several bloggers coincidentally writing great blogs like So What Are You Making for Dinner? (Lucia), Closet Fashionista (Megan) and Sh*t My 6-Year-Old Says (Deb). Julie is working on turning her life story into a Chelsea Handler kind of a book. Wendy could design the cover. Michelle could make it into a movie.

We work at an agency but our offices are in the boonies. We have about 3 lunch options total. It's not like we're popping out to grab something from Cosi in the City. When noon rolls around we tend to take our weird leftovers, Smart Ones, vegan specials -- and heat them up in the microwave. Then we sit around and cook up ideas for inventions. What we would do if we didn't work at this agency in the boonies?

These are my favorite inventions so far:

Broken Spirit

A new fragrance for women who've given up on their dreams. This was GENIUS product naming by Deb. I think it would smell something like the skinny clothes you've put in a giant plastic tub in your basement. Slightly musty and let down.

Spankles
Spankles would become all the rage in shapewear - for the gal whose feet and ankles are one.

Middle-Aged Butt Branding
Sure the younger set has embraced sweatpants with brands emblazoned across their butts. Juicy. Pink. UCONN. Whatever it is, just slap it across the back of your pants and go out jogging. Our idea is to brand sweatpants for middle-aged women. We'd embroider them with snappy slogans like: Flat. Bumpy. Cold. Worn Out. Once Great.

Real-World Barbie 
Along the same lines as our sweat pants, these Barbies would represent real women. Jiggly Julie. Big-Boned Becky. Our caravans would be stocked with Cream of Mushroom soup and Smirnoff.

Fun Nursing Homes 
In my last year of high school, I worked at a nursing home for Jesuit priests called The Campion Center in Weston, MA. At the Campion Center, the priests and brothers had happy hour in the evening. It wasn't wild and crazy, but they had a drink. "Why should people at the end of their lives be denied a glass of wine," said Lucia. Our fun nursing home would have happy hours like Mariachi and Margarita Mondays. Maybe date night? What the hell.

You may be old but you're not dead.

Fun Nursing Homes in Hawaii

Very similar to our other concept, except we get to live in Hawaii. And somehow Dog the Bounty Hunter would play a role.

Stay tuned.

I'm So Tough I'm Like That Guy in Silverado

Last weekend, we went to the not-so-nearby mall to look for a couple of obscure things. First stop, FYE for XBOX headphones for my son. In the store, there were bins filled with discount movies. One of my favorites - Silverado - was on sale for like 4 dollars. But it was some kind of 2-disk collectable set, and in my mind I couldn't afford to take on 2 disks. "It's just too much," I said to myself.

That's how I think.


Silverado reminds me of other Lawrence Kasdan films I love. His son is in the movie business now so you young kids might recognize the last name. Grand Canyon that was another good one. He's well known for The Big Chill, but that's not my favorite.


Silverado is just a fun movie with a great cast. Young Kevin Costner, Danny Glover, Kevin Kline, Brian Dennehy, John Cleese, Rosanna Arquette, Linda Hunt, Lynn Whitfield, Scott Glenn, Jeff Goldblum, etc. You couldn't even afford to make this film today with all of these actors.


A pivotal scene in the movie takes place when brothers Scott Glenn and Kevin Costner learn their family has been targeted by the bad guys and their young nephew Augie kidnapped by the evil McKendrick clan. Scott Glenn's character has already been attacked by the McKendricks, beaten then dragged by a horse. He's barely recovering from his injuries in a cave when he hears his nephew is missing. On the brink of death, he musters all his strength to save his kinfolk. In a truly tough guy scene, he strips the bandage from his head, clearly showing he is not going to take any crap.


Now back to me.


I've been sick for about 10 days. But I needed to work. Because of course, this is America and what would happen if we took a sick day? I took half a day off then realized I needed to go in. People were counting on me. Not to rescue them like the young boy in Silverado. Because they had immediate copywriting needs for the purposes of marketing stuff.


The two are very similar if you think about it.


So I ripped that bandage off my head and went into work. To write draft number 7. Of copy that will appear only one time. In an ad that no one will remember. And that's how tough I am.


PS This is an actual line from Lawrence Kasdan's wiki...


He graduated from the University of Michigan with an MA in Education, originally planning on a career as an English teacher. Upon graduation, Kasdan was unable to find a teaching position, so he became an advertising copywriter, a profession he did not enjoy.

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Abs Start in the Kitchen

In late summer, my husband and I started a new diet called the Belly Fat Cure. One of the baseball moms lost 30 pounds doing the diet only - no exercise - and the change was noticeable. Belly fat is unfortunately my problem. I don't know if you know this but you can have a butt the size of an aircraft carrier and be relatively healthy. But fat around your belly is a killer. It's basically fat surrounding your vital organs, the ones you need to live. And in the end, your vitals need some breathing room or they will suffocate.

So my husband and I both started this diet because we both have the same body type. Thin legs and belly fat. Much less than me in his case, but some. The diet is a modified Atkins plan. You can have small amounts of carbs and sugars but it's pretty limited. For example, you can have 15g of sugar per day. My oh so healthy greek yogurt with fruit was 17g. By breakfast, I'd had my entire day's allotment of sugars.

You can however eat sausage, eggs, and use half and half in your coffee. No fake sugars though. That was eye opening. No blue or pink or yellow ones. Instead we use something called stevia. It's a "natural" diet sugar if there is such a thing. Stevia has also come under scrutiny but so far has not been shown to cause cancer in lab animals. We have to drink these sodas called Zevia that you can only buy at Whole Foods for a mere $5 per six pack. Obviously we are drinking limited amounts of Zevia.

By the way, I am still planning to walk into Whole Foods and ask for Velveeta.

My husband has obviously lost weight on this diet. His pants are too loose, he has to cinch his belt tighter. I, on the other hand, seem to have lost weight in my ass area. As I've said before I already have my Uncle David's ass, sliding downhill as it were. That's okay, I'm fine with having a smallish butt, BUT I thought I was going to lose major belly fat. That's what the book said. In that department I've seen less change and I am definitely not cured. I have noticed some improvements like my arms seem to be shrinking? But I still have a belly and it's staring at me like, "What the heck? How much more stevia do I have to endure?"

My husband works at a digital advertising agency. One of the big ones. I've only seen the place from a distance. But I'm guessing it's pretty hip and cool and sleek, etc. The atmosphere at work is like the show Entourage except my husband is in his 40's, not his 30's. And this agency is in Connecticut, not LA. Still everyone who works there must be glib, wear metrosexual clothes, be proficient in snark. Knowing flash or HTML is on the list too but not as high as glib.

One of the men who works with my husband is an MMA guy in training. He's twenty-something, single and on a mission to be buff. He's already there by the way - as far as I can tell. But he wants to be more buff. He wants an 8-pack or a 12-pack, as many visible ab muscles as a human being can have. My husband has conferred with him about our diet and exercise - I'm not exercising at all so that was a very short convo. And joy of joys, the MMA guy has agreed to put together a workout program that won't require us to go to the gym!

I'm picturing us befriending the local butcher so we can punch meat before sunrise.

My excuse for not working out has been I don't have time to make it to the gym. And what a beautiful excuse it's been. I've used it for about a year now. Coincidentally around the same amount of time it took me to grow this belly that I now need to cure.

On vacation this week, I'm showing off my belly. I used to hide it from the sun. Then I started traveling and I noticed how many people outside of the US just let it all hang out. Sometimes the women are topless and their bellies and boobs become one big area. That's my plan now. Let it all hang out. Every once in a while I'll say something in the limited German I remember from sixth grade to pretend I'm not from here, and it's okay for me to wear a bikini with my belly on display.

Haben Sie einen krankenschwester? Was machten Sie? (Do you have a nurse? What are you making / doing?)

Wait. Sorry I got distracted again. Okay so coming full circle back to the name of this blog, Abs Start in the Kitchen. As we were sitting by the pool this week I asked my husband what his MMA friend would say about my belly. And he said, "Abs start in the kitchen."

And then my husband said, "I bet you're going to write a blog about this, aren't you?" And he was right.

A Very Short Blog About Osteoporosis and Brad Pitt

As part of my annual physical, my doctor ordered blood work to check on all my vitals. I was pleasantly surprised to learn I am in good health with one exception. I have a slight Vitamin D deficiency. I assumed this was the result of living in a semi-permanent state of sunshine deprivation. Apparently it is also an indicator of potential problems with bone density.

I am trying to be mindful of my posture so I don’t end up hunched over as I get older. But I don’t know that I am winning the fight.

This past weekend I saw an older man I see all the time who takes a vigorous walk along a busy street here in town. He walks very quickly and he carries a short stick that pumps up and down as his arms swing from side-to-side. He’s the picture of health except for his posture. He’s got the distinctive curve in his back that is a sign of osteoporosis.

I was driving down that busy street with my husband when I saw the older man. I said, “Look, it’s a glimpse into my future. You know, when I get older.”

My husband said, “I’m not getting older.”

“Really,” I said. “That’s interesting.”

My husband said, “Look at me, hon. I’m Benjamin Button. I’m getting younger.”

And that, in a nutshell, describes the difference in our worldviews.

Like Fingernails on a Chalkboard

This blog inspired by Deb (the motivation to write, not the mother involved)

About two weeks ago, I went into the City to get a facial. I can't say that I see much of a difference or any difference for that matter, but it was nice to go in on the train and have some quiet time to myself, or so I thought.

It was late afternoon on a Saturday.The ride in was quiet. I read an old Oprah magazine I'd bought like two months before and hadn't read. There was a great piece about Emily Mortimer the actress from Dear Frankie, Lars and the Real Girl and regrettably the new Pink Panther series. She's wonderful and it's a great story about shyness and overcoming insecurity even as an adult.

I had a lovely facial, nothing painful or smelly. Just a nice quiet hour of relaxation. Then I got back on the train to come home. Two very cute kids entered the car I was sitting in and their mother followed. She looked pissed. Granted she had two little kids and an infant seat and a stroller and two bags and quite a few extra pounds - but she looked pissed.

The father arrived with the baby and they all took their seats on the train. The boy looked to be about my son's age - maybe 12. He had a very sweet face, big dimples and long hair. He was reading a book when his mother started to fixate on his fingernails. "Oh my God, would you look at your nails?" And it just kept going and going and going. "You can't finish your book until you cut your nails."

One thing I've learned as a parent is to choose wisely the lines you mark in the sand. Because kids will test you. So you better feel strongly about the point you are arguing. This mom kept hammering. "Luke, cut your nails. Do it, or I'll do it for you. And you don't want me to do it for you."

It's one of those stock lines parents use that doesn't actually make any sense. As a kid I would be thinking, I don't want to do this. You're volunteering to do it for me. Sounds like a good deal.

With that threat lingering in the air, the mother stood up and walked to the bathroom. The son turned to his father and said, "Did you ever argue with her even when I was young?"

"You're being a fresh kid."

"I hate when adults say fresh."

It's hard to explain but this next part was actually kind of sweet - a father and tween son bonding over swear words while the overlord was in the bathroom.

"Okay, how about I call you a douchebag?"

"I'm not saying you have to call me a douchebag But I'm not 5."

Mother returns to son picking at his nails with a piece of paper. "What is he doing? Picking his fingers with a piece of cardboard?"

I watched and wished I'd sat anywhere else on the train. My fleeting "me time" coming to a sudden halt. I felt really sorry for this little kid being bullied by his mother over something so silly as fingernails. Really?

But I also felt for the mom . I've been there. Fat and wearing unattractive stretchy pants. Loaded down with so much crap you feel like a pack mule. Food on your shirt. Exhausted from not sleeping. Wanting to control something. It's unfortunate that the one thing she chose to control that day was her son, and his nails and his reading.

I felt like saying, "Lady if your kid is reading anything, you should be grateful. Your kid has a sense of humor. Your kid is healthy. Your kid is bright. Give it a rest."

But I didn't say anything. I hope her son grows Howard Hughes fingernails the minute he turns 18.

How Not To Do Social by Netflix

How Not To Do Social Media by Netflix

This summer Netflix announced they would be restructuring their pricing plan, raising prices by 60% for those customers who have both the streaming media and DVDs by mail plan. In a breezy blog post from Netflix VP of Marketing Jessie Becker, they explain the pricing increase as follows:

“Why the changes? Our selection of TV episodes and movies available to stream has grown dramatically, and as a result most members want us to deliver unlimited TV episodes and movies two ways: streaming instantly over the internet plus DVDs by mail. The price increase will allow us to continue to offer the popular plan choice of unlimited TV episodes and movies streaming instantly along with unlimited DVDs.”

What Netflix failed to mention, or perhaps notice, was a) the majority of their customers use the DVD option (approximately 80% according to Tony Wible, an analyst with Janney Capital Markets) and b) their streaming media library is limited. For example, a customer can watch all the episodes of seasons 1-4 of Psych via streaming, but the final season is only available via DVD.

No Comment is Unacceptable in Social

Customer reaction on social media was immediate and deafening. Once highly popular with its 22.3 million customers, Netflix saw firsthand what happens when a brand comes under attack via social. Comments on Ms. Becker’s blog post exceeded the 5,000 maximum in the first day and they ranged in tone from disgust and anger to expletive-filled rants. Comments like this one were everywhere:

In this economy, you opt to increase the price for my current subscription by this much? Well hey, guess what? Unless you seriously upgrade and update your streaming content, you'll be losing a long-term customer. And I'm sure I won't be the only one!

Contrary to social media rules of engagement, Netflix both deleted comments and did not respond to comments. Nothing. Nada. The sound of crickets.

On their Facebook page, it was more of the same, with nearly 70,000 comments along the lines of:

Dear Netflix,
After 3 years, I'm sorry but it's over. If I switch to Blockbuster I will have a greater streaming selection, with newer movies, plus games, and it will cost me only 75% of your new rates. It’s been great, but it’s over. It's not us, it’s you. Enjoy the bankruptcy.

Again Netflix responded by deleting comments. Customers took it as a challenge, and began posting the CEO Reed Hastings’ email address. The comments kept coming, apparently faster than Netflix could delete them. And still no response.

On Twitter, Netflix became a trending topic. Tweets were flying like “Dear Netflix: Are you trying to save Blockbuster?" and “Netflix customers see red after price hike http://bit.ly/nwleC9 (via @cnn).” Still nothing from Netflix.

Losing Sight of Your Customer Base

In the meantime, Netflix stock prices rose and fell as the market tried to figure out what would happen. Blockbuster jumped on the bandwagon by touting lowered prices to the media and customers. And Redbox looked more and more like the way to go.

Surely Netflix will survive, but their brand has been tarnished. As one angry customer posted on their Facebook page,

How sad that after years of holding a subscription and being a walking advertisement for Netflix, that we are stopping the use of your services. Greedy, greedy, greedy. Way to show your long term customers, who helped pave the way for your extreme success with a higher price. BRAVO to whoever had this brilliant idea. Goodbye Netflix, HELLO REDBOX!

In stark contrast that same week, another brand stood out as a shining example of how social media should be done. Actress Mila Kunis, star of Friends With Benefits, accepted a YouTube invitation to the Marine Corps ball from a soldier stationed in Afghanistan. The video, posted by Sgt Scott Moore with 3rd Battalion 2nd Marines, received 3,246,366 views in the first week.

When you are fortunate enough to have customers who are “a walking advertisement” for your brand, it pays to engage and respond to them on social media sites. Take note from the mistakes of Netflix.